Untouchable - Chapter 33

A rock 'n' roll romcom - Jack faces an unexpected hurdle in getting to Lucy—her formidable and hostile extended family

Photo by Wesley Tingey on Unsplash

Note to readers: This is a story set in the outrageous world of 80s rock ’n’ roll — meaning adult content.

It’s a full-length novel focused on our two romcom protagonists, Jack and Lucy, and the chapters published to date are available here.

We are almost at the end, folks!

Below is a quick recap of the plot points. A guide to the characters is available at the bottom of the post.

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THE STORY SO FAR

Lucy has been recruited by Dolos Discs A&R executive Barry Bartholomew to pose as a groupie and spy on his secretive and difficult client, the English rock band Pirate, for the last six concerts of their big US tour. In exchange, he’s promised her a recording contract, but only if she reports back every single day and the band doesn’t find out why she’s there.

Meanwhile, Pirate manager Dunk MacGregor and lead singer Jack St James have finally captured a guy who keeps following the band and sneaking into off-limits backstage areas. Using groupie ‘persuasion,’ they discover that he’s Barry’s nephew sent to spy on the band, and they insist that he and the two groupies, Suze and Carly, remain for the rest of the tour as ‘honored guests.’

Flying out to the band’s next location in Albuquerque, Lucy wangles her way into the arena to meet the band, but finds herself confined to the hospitality room by a weird Cockney “merch guy” named Vic, who unbeknownst to her is actually lead singer Jack. She doesn’t recognize him out of his Pirate costume and makeup (a la KISS).

Lucy shares her Guide to the Rock Stars with the prim-and-proper arena chef, Alison, and succeeds in meeting and making a secret pact with Pirate’s disgruntled lead guitarist, Keith. Jack’s concerns about this groupie running amok (Lucy) are dismissed by band manager Dunk, only to prove true when her meddling causes a blowup in the band.

Jack convinces Dunk to give Lucy the boot after that night’s concert, but when she raves about his music afterwards, he not only changes his mind and insists that she be allowed to stay, but also rushes back to his hotel room to finish composing a song about her that has suddenly popped into his mind.

The next day, he throws all scruples to the wind in a quest to find out more about her by concealing a walkie-talkie in the band bus and listening in to her singing and talking. But his plans go awry as she figures things out and, at a rest stop, deliberately badmouths Jack to him when he’s pretending to be Vic. Upping the stakes, Jack asks Randy to invite her to his room that night for some ‘wild and kinky sex,’ wondering if she’ll show up.

She does, and they spend hours talking, eating, and playing music together. Lucy finally tells an outraged Jack about the stampede at the final Magnus concert and how she was saved by a roadie named Butch. He walks her back to her room and gives her a long kiss goodnight in the corridor.

The next morning Lucy gets another spying assignment from Barry — find out if the band has enough songs for a new album — and also receives an unexpected visit from rock star Magnus. He brings a warning from her parents that the swami is demanding her return and some terrible news of his own.

Jack hears about Magnus’s visit and tries to eavesdrop from the room next door. Thinking he hears Magnus hurting Lucy, he leaps to her balcony, rushes into the room, and punches Magnus, only to find out that he’s punched a man with HIV and that Lucy loves him. Magnus’s arrival and Jack’s leap have attracted not only the paparazzi but the news media and result in a security lockdown.

Jack finds out that Magnus is actually Lucy’s cousin. He and Lucy spend the night together, but despite Lucy’s best efforts, he keeps things slow because he wants to develop something real with her. Thinking Keith is upset at losing Lucy, Jack tells the band they can do one of the songs written by Keith and Rob in the encore for the very first time — to Keith’s delight but Dunk’s alarm.

Lucy reports to Barry that Pirate has enough songs for another album, even though she has no clue, and he tasks her with finding out if they’re talking to other labels. Jack prepares to sing the song he wrote for Lucy as a ‘gift’ at the end of that evening’s concert. Dunk is worried about the low level of the stage at the arena.

Jack and Lucy have their first fight when they arrive at the arena. Dunk saves the day by talking some sense into Jack and by accompanying Lucy to the side of the stage during the concert and staying with her as she deals with the terror of her stampede memories.

Jack sings his song for Lucy in the encore and she conquers her fear to join him onstage. He descends into darkness afterwards and, back at the hotel, tells her about his terrible childhood at boarding school and how fellow student Dunk became his protector and lifelong friend.

Jack worries that with all the problems he brings Lucy will abandon him, but then wonders if he should abandon her when she fails to wash her hands properly. They commit to dealing with their post-traumatic stress disorder together.

Barry demands that Lucy find out which labels are pursuing Pirate and how much they’re offering over her objections. She then engages in some inept spycraft and almost blows her cover with Jack and the rest of the band.

Jack invites Lucy onstage in the encore to sing ‘her song’ with him. Just as they’re reaching the crescendo in the final verse, fans manage to overwhelm security and storm the stage. Jack protects Lucy and fights them off, sustaining injuries that require medical treatment.

But those injuries don’t stop Jack from finally putting the moves on Lucy. They spend the night getting to know one another in new ways, including sharing their romantic and sexual histories with one another.

When they get to L.A. the next night, Jack immediately heads over to the arena to help Dunk with set problems. Lucy uses the opportunity to make her daily call to Barry, only to find out that the recording contract is not only not in the bag, but Barry denies that he ever promised it to her.

Barry wakes Jack with a phone call the next morning to tell him that there should be a new contract offer at his door — and that he was the one who sent Lucy out there, and that Jack can “keep the broad.” In front of the band, Jack has Lucy removed from the floor by Security in her pajamas, Lucy fighting tooth and nail to stay but ultimately being carried into the elevator.

Lucy meets with everyone in the restaurant to plan her campaign to win back Jack’s heart. Dunk tells Jack that Barry has offered them the contract of their dreams, and Jack’s shock is compounded by disbelief when Lucy appears at his hotel room door, accompanied by his own band, to serenade him with his own damn song. The nerve!

To Lucy’s chagrin, the serenade doesn’t work, but the follow-up meeting with Dunk does. He congratulates her on her abysmal spycraft that brought them a great contract, and offers to help her in her efforts to reconnect with Jack.

Lucy and the boys carry out campaign strategy number two — surprising Jack by bringing her onstage to sing “When Lightning Strikes” with him in that evening’s encore. Jack plays along while going to great lengths to keep her at arm’s length, and strides offstage before she can talk to him and make another appeal.

Lucy expresses reservations about the third and final element in the campaign strategy, but the boys engage in a full-bore press to convince her to go ahead. So she’s goes to Jack’s room to seduce him, and he immediately succumbs, but he treats it like a tawdry booty call. After Jack falls sleep, she flees to Dunk’s arms and then back home, convinced that the relationship is doomed.

When he wakes up, Jack searches for Lucy and confronts Dunk for helping her leave. He owns up to loving her, and Dunk tells him a jet is waiting to take him to Endwell to win her back.

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Will Jack get past the Sabatini family for his chance to re-win the absconding Lucy?

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Chapter 33

Jack

This is worse than facing a firing squad.

Well, that’s an exaggeration, but not by much.

I sit facing the Sabatini family in the front room of their modest little house in Endwell, New York. The father and brother stand over me with their arms crossed and scowls on their faces. Lucy’s mother, Nana, and two aunties sit opposite on the plastic-covered sofa, while assorted relatives stand in other spaces and spill into the kitchen beyond.

It seems the Sabatini news network has been activated, as people keep arriving and squeezing in wherever they can. I see heads craning to see from the kitchen, and even several people stuck on the front porch, unable to get in.

The place is immaculate and smells of furniture polish. The plastic covering on the sofa makes a crinkly noise whenever anyone shifts position.

While we’re waiting for god-knows-what, I squint at a line of family photos hanging on the wall next to an Italia banner and a crucifix. Younger versions of Lucy grin at me from photo after photo. She hasn’t changed that much over the years, and seeing her beautiful heart-shaped face fills me with comfort and resolve.

“Con, what are we waiting for?” Lucy’s mum says to her husband.

“What? You want me to start when not everyone’s here yet?”

Omigod, there are more?

“What if she wakes up? Then we don’t get a talk with Jack here. You know our daughter.”

There’s a murmur of agreement in the crowd.

Lucy’s dad glares at me. “OK, already. Let’s get started. What I want to know is, what’d you do to my daughter? She comes this morning crying and looking like I don’t know what.”

I open my mouth to respond and get cut off.

“Countess Dracula, I told her,” one of the aunties says. “With the bags under the eyes, you look like Countess Dracula, sweetheart.”

“More like Olive Oyl,” says another. “So skinny.”

“It’s that ashram,” her mum says. “I told her not to go there, but does she listen?”

Lucy’s brother gives me the same police stare Dunk has perfected. “You hurt my sister, I kick your ass. Capiche?”

“Capiche,” I say. “Absolutely. I would expect no less.”

Nana grins and winks at me. “I see you on MTV. I say, this good boy.”

“No, Ma,” Lucy’s mother says. “You said he was handsome.”

Nana waves her hand dismissively. “Good. Handsome. If my Lucy love, then he good boy to me.”

“He does sing good,” says the other aunt on the sofa.

“And he’s a rock star with a limo out front,” an uncle says. “So I’m thinking he’s rich and got some money tucked away.”

“Rich, I don’t care,” says Lucy’s father. “But will he take good care of my daughter? That’s what a man needs to know.”

Now this I can assure him. “Yes, Mister Sabatini, I promise I will take excellent care of your daughter. If she’ll let me.”

At that moment, a black cat with a white nose and paws emerges from between people’s legs and heads straight for me.

Oh no. I’m not in favor of pets. They’re germ spreaders in the best of times, vortexes for the plague in the worst.

I sit still as the creature sniffs my trousers and shoes, hoping it will get bored and seek entertainment elsewhere.

“Oh!” I say as it launches itself into my lap. Everyone watches as the cat turns three times, settles down with its back against me and its head on its paws, and begins to purr like a kitchen sink disposal.

“There you go,” Nana says. “Mittens love him too.”

“Irene, get him some moussaka and spanikopita,” Lucy’s mum says. She turns to me. “Or you want I make you some spaghetti with meatballs?”

“I brought some spiedies from the shop,” Lucy’s brother says. “Thought he might like to try my secret recipe.”

“Lil brought her cannoli,” someone else says.

I can’t help but grin, remembering Lucy offering to put icing on my ‘cannoli’ yesterday morning.

“I’m happy to try anything, thank you,” I say, realizing how hungry I am. I certainly don’t want to turn down their kind hospitality, now do I?

The Sabatini clan springs into action. Within ten minutes, a veritable feast of Italian and Greek dishes appears on the table in the formal dining room.

“Anything you don’t like? Food allergies?” Lucy’s mum asks me.

“I’m not a fan of Brussel sprouts,” I reply, eyeing a bowl of the offensive vegetables.

“I give you some of everything,” she says as she spoons food onto a plate. “You need energy, you wanna win over my daughter.”

“Thank you,” I say as she hands me the plate. I move into a corner to eat and Lucy’s father and brother join me. Everything I taste is delicious.

“Listen,” says her dad, stabbing the air with his fork as he talks. “My daughter, she’s like her mother. You gotta hide things or she finds them out. Got a nose like a bloodhound.”

“Give her an inch and she takes five miles,” says her brother. “Don’t give an inch, is my advice.”

“What are you telling him?” says Lucy’s mum, hurrying over and narrowing her eyes at her son before shifting them to me. “What did he tell you?”

“He said Lucy is very competitive,” I ad lib in the moment. “She did gymnastics, didn’t she?”

“Lucy did gymnastics and Tony was catcher on the baseball team,” she says as she caresses her son’s shoulder. “Won the championship two years in a row.”

Lucy’s dad and brother give me an approving grin. We men do have to stick together or we’ll be overrun by the wily female of the species. I’d already gathered from personal experience that Lucy is a little minx, and now the men in her family have confirmed it.

The next step—making her my little minx.

“Do you have any advice on how I should win over your daughter?”

“Music,” they all say at the same time.

“She almost kicked a hole in me,” Lucy’s mum says.

“Whenever we played Elvis,” her dad adds.

“You sing to her,” says her brother, “you got her where you want her. If that don’t work, you do what I did. Pray to Saint Raphael. Works like a charm.”

Both parents beam at him.

“You’re married?” I ask.

“Yeah, got me a little one, too. Dominick,” he says proudly. “You want advice dealing with the female of the species, you come to me. Especially my sister. Twenty years hard experience. We men gotta stick together, know what I mean?”

Didn’t I just think the very same thing? Huzzah.

“Tony!” protests his mum.

“What?” says his dad, grinning.

She swats her husband playfully. “Don’t encourage him.”

“What? I can’t agree with my own son?”

She moves close to her husband. “Are you calling me a species?”

“Are you saying you’re not?” he replies, bumping her with his hip.

“Are you—” she says before getting cut off by Tony.

“Get a room, you two!”

I screw up my face, recalling a story Lucy told me a few days ago, about her family getting kicked out of Yellowstone Park because her parents were too loud in general, but especially when they got amorous.

The Sabatinis are a different kettle of fish, that’s for sure. I can’t imagine such a thing happening in my own family. My parents don’t even speak to one another, let alone touch or flirt like this.

Is this my future too?

At that moment, Nana toddles over. Looking up into my face—she’s such a tiny thing—she grabs my cheeks and stares into my eyes for what seems like a full minute, but is probably only a few seconds.

I’m expecting the same endorsement I got from her earlier, telling me what a good boy or a handsome boy I am. Or even, given how ‘out there’ this family is, confiding that she finds me ‘hot.’

“Jack?”

“Yes, Nana?”

“You no fuck up.”

She winks at me as she lets go of my cheeks, turns, and toddles away.

“No, I won’t,” I promise to her retreating back.

To be continued next week…

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CAST OF CHARACTERS

Our two protagonists:

Jack St James / Vic - co-founder and lead singer of English rock band Pirate, pretends to be a Cockney crew member named Vic when he’s not in his costume and makeup

Lucy Sabatini - singer-songwriter, head of the music program at the Spirits Rising ashram, and a former supergroupie known as Lucy L’amour

Members of rock band Pirate:

Dunk - band manager

Manny - tour manager

George - drummer

Keith - lead/rhythm guitarist

Randy - keyboardist and Rob’s twin

Rob - bass guitarist and Randy’s twin

Sam - lead/rhythm guitarist

Others:

Alison - arena chef who becomes Randy’s girlfriend

Barry Bartholomew - A&R executive for Dolos Discs

Carly - avid Pirate groupie and friend of Suze, ‘assigned’ to Howie

Cindy - Lucy’s best friend since childhood and her second-in-command at the ashram

Howie - Barry’s nephew, an ‘honored guest’ of the band after caught spying

Magnus - the rock superstar Lucy previously toured with as a supergroupie

Mandy the Snake - admin manager for the ashram

Mister Wanker - Lucy’s nickname for Vic

Rhonda - Barry Bartholomew’s executive secretary

Russell Hammond - drummer for rock band Netherlude

Suze - avid Pirate groupie and friend of Carly, ‘assigned’ to Howie

Swami - the head of the ashram